5 Ugliest Players in Top-Tier Football



After England's abysmal performance yesterday against underdogs Montenegro I felt the need to do some football-inspired venting. It wasn't even that we performed poorly throughout and received a deserved thrashing - it was far worse than that... Being England of course they had to toy with the emotions of their supporters and so when it came time for kick off they came out as a team hungry to assert their will. Before the game I had scoffed as Ray Winestone - doing his usual Bet 565 promo - offered odds on Rooney to score first at 6/1. When Rooney did score in the 6th minute of play I wasn't even annoyed that I had missed such a lucrative opportunity, vindicated by how well the squad was playing. For a solid 30 minutes of play England fans tasted the sweet nectar of a dynamic, flowing England squad before having it cruelly ripped away in the 2nd half; replaced by a group of disinterested frauds -with the exception of Gerard - content to sit back on a tenuous 1 goal lead. Fucking footballers. Here is my list of the 5 who I find most offensive to look at:

                                                                                             [5Gareth Bale
It's difficult to say whether Bale is outright ugly or just very peculiar to behold. Pictured here aside a monkey from the original Planet of the Apes who could easily be his long lost brother Daddy Bale never taught to shave,  the Welshmen is certainly one of the oddest looking examples of humanity you are likely to behold.


                                                                                         [4Rio Ferdinand
Rio is an ugly man at the best of times; a lanky frame topped off with a disproportionately large, protruding nose. However, he truly plummets into the realms of the '5 Ugliest Footballers' when his face contorts with his all too-frequents bouts of rage, triggered either by a wayward teammate, the match officials or an opponent who is unfortunate enough to irritate him. Living proof that you can take the boy out of Peckham but you can't take Peckham out of the boy. And no, we don't care if you don't play for England anymore, you're shit.

                                                                                           [3Carlos Tevez
Even if you are completely uneducated in English football and have never before laid eyes on Manchester City's best forward, the above image is more than enough for you to ascertain how Tevez finds himself ranked as the third ugliest man in football. Small protruding ears, consistently dire haircuts and that hideous expressions of manifest gormlessness he is so often found exhibiting. I can't help but being reminded of an Orc fresh off the boat from Middle Earth when I see him.


                                                                                         [2] Wayne Rooney
Had Rooney not undergone whatever procedure he resorted to to save himself from baldness I feel certain that he would be sitting in the #1 spot now. However, his new-found luscious locks of mousy brown hair are still not enough to save him from being #2, unable to undo the damage done by his hideous face. The prostitution scandal he was involved in a few years ago demonstrates just how ugly he really is being the only world famous footballer who STILL has to pay to get laid. Props for being a work horse on the field though Wayne!

                                                                                            [1Frank Ribery
Frank Ribery is the ugliest man - inside and out - to be playing top-tier football today. He just has the look of 
that kid from school who would tell on you even if this flagrant snitching provided no avenue to personal gain, very similar to Randall from Disney's Recess of the lates 90s. Apart from his loathsome appearance he is equally repugnant in how he carries himself on the pitch. I have never seen a Bayern game when I haven't found myself screaming at him to f*ck off through the television screen. He's a shameful diver and will - when he is certain that there will be no sanction - slyly get under the skin of whoever is unlucky enough to be tasked with marking him until they understandably lash out and he plays the victim card. A face very befitting of his repugnant character.


#AlmostMadeIt

Top to bottom: Mesut Ozil (looks like a fish), Pepe (Porogese Golum), Di Maria (big ears), Peter Crouch (freakishly lanky), Jonjo Shelvey (could place all his facial features on the back of his head and he'd look exactly the same)

Anyone I missed out?! Anyone who belongs on the cover of GQ, not here?! Let me know in a comment!



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